Today we have a guest post from Helen, a solo parent who has been a long-time member of the Frolo community. Helen shares her experiences of being a solo parent with an SEN child.
Every family is unique. Each has it’s strengths and challenges. Similarly, single parent families take many forms and their experiences differ. Our family is a solo parent family, I am the only parent caring for my child. I have a son who will be 12 soon and is on the autism spectrum. I thought perhaps by sharing my experiences others will relate and maybe even find something helpful in my story.
Being a solo parent was never my plan. It came about rather abruptly in 2020 when my son was 7 years old. Around 7 months later, my son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and though long suspected, it was still a big adjustment. For around the first 2 years post separation I went through a complicated process of grieving. My mind would rail against the change in our circumstances and the massive adjustments that my new demands involved. There was so much anger.
Having a child on the spectrum who struggles in social situations had already isolated us before I became solo. Play dates and gatherings with other parents and children were simply far too stressful to be managed. Then when we become a solo parent family my son experienced a lot of anxiety. I spent a year going to bed when he did every night and he slept on a mattress in my room. An evening out with a babysitter wasn’t on option. Nor were Zoom calls with parent support groups or phone calls to friends or family. I did a lot of hiding under my duvet with headphones on, watching things on my tablet! It felt like I was simply surviving, whilst trying to understand my son’s needs in the light of his diagnosis.
I reached a point where I realised that my anger and grief was eating me from the inside out and I needed to find new joy in my situation as it was in the present. I had struggled for some time with my emotional wellbeing and I knew I needed to take care of myself if I was going to be the parent my child needed.
Getting a break was an important part of getting myself back on track. I first asked a friend’s teenage daughter to mind my son for a couple of hours on Saturday mornings (she has since become a learning disabilities professional). Later, I sent a begging email to an organisation that offered a Saturday morning club to autistic children and they kindly offered my son a place. Saturday mornings are still my “grown-up” time and I have a wonderful rotation of friends who join me for brunch. Once we overcame the night time anxiety (I cracked it with walkie-talkies in the end) I was able to use babysitters now and again. I have a couple of reliable babysitters my son knows and likes. I have also been incredibly lucky to have friends help out by having my son overnight now and again. He enjoys their company as much as I enjoy the break.
As I moved forward trying to enjoy life more, I started to engage in chat groups on Frolo. I laughed more than I had in years and made new friends online. I work from home most of the week and don’t get a lot of adult company. But I have made an incredible group of friends I connect with remotely and it has really enhanced the quality of my life.
I also made the terrifying leap into dating. Not with the goal of meeting another long term partner, that wouldn’t be a good fit for me at this stage of my life, but for the sheer enjoyment of spending time with someone and getting out (obviously, honesty about intentions is important when dating people). In this process I have learned so much about navigating romantic relationships and have gained confidence. I have also made some good friends who started out as dates and I have grown my support circle further as a result!
I have diversified my notion of family in the wake of my separation. I have a small family, a sibling overseas I only have limited contact with and an elderly parent who isn’t local to me. But I have maintained good relationships with my ex’s siblings. They have helped me out when I have called on them and they are both close to my son. They were an integral part of our Christmas celebrations this year.
Being a SEN parent can mean other challenges to navigate, though this will be very individual to each child. For us, it means fun activities may need to be different from the norm, e.g. no cinemas or trampoline parks and nothing with more than a small number of people around. My son can’t cope with standard childcare options (we really tried). I have used a nanny, personal assistants, and a few one day SEN holiday activity groups over the years. My ex’s family have also helped out where they can. Luckily, a salary sacrifice scheme through my employer has also allowed me to “purchase” extra annual leave.
Having a SEN child has many additional costs so it’s vital to claim everything you are entitled to. I didn’t realise for a long time exactly what I could claim. I am incredibly lucky to have a flexible employer and a job where I can work from home most of the time. Though it’s had it’s challenges, I have been able to maintain working 30 hours a week and held on to the family home.
SEN parenting can come with lots of additional stress. My son struggles to manage his emotions and experiences a lot of anxiety. And there are always meetings, forms, emails etc. to deal with whilst constantly trying to advocate for your child in a climate of extreme resource pressure. To keep your head above water, manage the demands and continue being your child’s rock, you really have to attend to your own needs too where you can.
The things I have learned are
- Get comfortable asking for help and take up offers when people make them. - Try to maintain social connections and do things for fun where possible. - Make sure you check all your financial and other entitlements ( other parents are often experts on this).
- Look at things differently, from what family looks like, to how you date. You may be surprised with the life you can create even if this wasn’t your plan.
- Build your online community if your situation leaves you more isolated.
Over four years down the line we still face challenges. The need to constantly fill up my emotional tank remains. But we have come a long way and I feel I now have a blue print for survival.
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