Depending on your situation, there might be several days, weeks, or months between the times you see your children in person. The question that often comes up in that context is how to stay in touch with them outside of those visiting times.

Depending on their age, they may or may not have a mobile device to speak to you and may require assistance from their other parent to facilitate these calls. But the question that often comes up is about the frequency, timing and format of this contact.

Frequency 📆

You and your coparent know your child better than anyone and will be in the best position to decide how frequent virtual contact should be. In principle, the same solution should apply no matter whose parent the children are with at any given time. The rule of thumb is to make this decision based on the emotional needs of your child, and the practicalities of one option vs the other. I have seen extremely loving parents reduce the number of weekly calls they have with their children because they realise that a high frequency was proving difficult for the child. Whatever you decide, the focus should be on quality rather than quantity.

Timing⏰

There are three main options when it comes to the timing of phone calls with your child when they are at their ex:

1. Set an established schedule: some people choose to set a specific day or time for contact on a pre-defined basis. The upside is the certainty of regular contact with the other parent, which some children might really value. In practice, these types of arrangements can prove impractical as other activities might interfere with the time schedule for contact. The other downside, especially with smaller children, is that they may not be in the mood to speak at that specific time. They might be caught up in a game or feeling tired for example. In that case, the phone experience can actually prove quite frustrating for both the parent and child, and not provide the comfort it is intended to offer.
2. Ad hoc calls as and when needed: in this case, the call can usually be initiated by either the parent or the child as and when needed. The upside of this format is that the child has reassurance that they can reach their parent whenever they need them, outside of the restrictions of a set time of day or week. It can be very comforting for a child to know that their other parent is available to them even when they are with their other parent, and reinforces the message that their parents are not siloed. The downside of this format is that it might not always be practical to receive calls from your child at any given time of day, and might hurt their feelings if you are not available when they choose to call. Inversely, the parent calling their child might feel frustrated that their child is not answering when they feel a need to speak to them. This also requires the child to have access to a device whenever they need it, which is not always aligned to family rules regarding screen time.
3. Hybrid: Another solution that many of my clients opt for is to have a fixed time to speak each week but also allow the children to contact their other parent on an ad hoc basis. It will help to agree certain times when the ad hoc calls cannot happen, for example, after bedtime or during dinner. This type of solution offers the best of both worlds but does require the parents to agree to the possibility of frequent calls to the other parent when the children are in their care.

Format 📱

Depending on your children’s age, it can be difficult to provide them with a device. It is advisable to agree in your parenting plan the age from which the children will be given mobile phones, in order to avoid arguments later on. For those whose children do not have their own device, there are two main options:

1. Ask the parent who is caring for the children to lend them their phone: if the coparenting relationship is difficult, this might lead to conflict as this can be rather disruptive to the parent whose phone is constantly being used. This might also lead to the other parent feeling like access to their child is being obstructed or is conditional on their co-parent’s good will. It is however, the most cost-efficient option
2. Purchase another device (landline phone, ipad, mobile phone…) that can be left at the children’s disposal to use when they want to contact their other parent: this can be a very good solution to remove the involvement of the other parent. Parental controls and screen time can be put in place to avoid this device being used for other purposes. This does give the child total freedom to contact a parent without involvement from the other one. It does require the child being old enough to operate the device on their own, however.

My recommendation would be to avoid asking one of the children (usually the oldest) to be the conduit for their parents to contact their siblings as it places undo responsibility on that child and put them in a potentially uncomfortable position.

Something to consider with younger children, is that they might not be old enough to have a sustained phone conversation with their parents. Their attention span tends to be shorter and younger children to engage more via play than talk. In that case, the parents can explore different ways of interacting virtually with their children: reading a book for example, or playing a game online together could be a good way of taking the formality and pressure out of a phone conversation some children might not be comfortable with.

In summary

There is really no one-size-fits-all solution for the best way of maintaining contact between children and parents when they children are away. It is important to remain flexible and to continue to adapt to the children’s needs and feedback. Regular reviews of parenting plans are extremely useful in this context to refine the best solution for your children and find the right balance.

Do you need help defining the best parenting arrangements for your family? Book a FREE Discovery Call with Chloe Oudiz today.

‍