Becoming a single parent can change almost every part of your life. There are the obvious practical changes: where you live, how money works, who does the school run, what happens at weekends and how on earth you're supposed to be in two places at once when one child has football and the other has a birthday party.

But there are quieter changes too. Somewhere amongst the logistics, the emotional upheaval and the sheer amount of stuff that suddenly needs your attention, it can be surprisingly easy to lose sight of yourself.

Not yourself as a mum or dad. Not yourself as the person who remembers PE kit and books dentist appointments and knows exactly which child will eat which shape of pasta.

Just you.

One post in the Frolo community this week captured that feeling beautifully.

“I found me again”

Graham joined Frolo in February 2021, after his life had changed dramatically and he found himself parenting his son alone.

He described feeling lost and in need of people who understood what he and his son were going through. After joining Frolo, he began listening to other people's experiences, sharing his own and taking part in online meetups, support groups and group chats. Gradually, friendships began to form.

Some of those friendships have now lasted more than five years. Through a Dungeons & Dragons group set up by another Frolo, Graham also rediscovered his love of role-playing games – a hobby he'd enjoyed for more than 30 years.

Looking back at everything that has happened since, Graham wrote something that really struck us:

“I found me again. Not a new me, just me, the person I've always been.”

And perhaps that's one of the things we don't talk about enough when we talk about life after separation or becoming a single parent. Finding yourself again doesn't necessarily mean becoming someone new. Sometimes it's about remembering who you already were.

When did everything become about getting through the week?

Single parenthood can be relentless.

When you're the person responsible for keeping everything moving, the things that aren't absolutely essential are often the first to disappear. Hobbies can feel like a luxury. Going out can require military-level planning. Even watching something you want to watch on television might depend on whether anyone else is awake.

And when someone asks what you like doing, you might realise you haven't thought about it for a while. That's understandable. There are periods of life when getting everybody fed, dressed and vaguely where they're supposed to be is achievement enough. But the things you enjoy matter too. They don't have to be impressive or productive. You don't need to take up wild swimming, learn Italian or embark on an ambitious journey of personal transformation.

Maybe you used to draw. Maybe you loved live music. Perhaps you ran, baked, played board games, read three books a week, went dancing or knew an unreasonable amount about obscure 1980s films. Those things are still part of you.

The power of being around people who get it

One of the hardest things about becoming a single parent can be feeling as though nobody quite understands your life anymore. Friends can be wonderfully supportive and still not completely get it. They might not understand why arrangements can change at the last minute, why certain weekends are difficult or why something seemingly small has completely knocked you sideways.

Being around other single parents can remove some of that explaining. There can be enormous relief in talking to someone and realising you don't need to give them the backstory. They've lived their own version of it. That shared understanding can create space for friendships that aren't only about being a single parent, too.

You might initially connect because you're both navigating separation, co-parenting or solo parenting, but eventually you're talking about books, football, terrible dates, work, music, Dungeons & Dragons or what you're having for tea. You're not simply finding support. You're finding people you like.

Friendship doesn't have to start with a big night out

If you're reading this thinking, Lovely, but there is absolutely no way I'm walking into a room full of strangers, we hear you. Meeting new people as an adult can feel awkward at the best of times. Doing it when your confidence has taken a knock can feel enormous. The good news is that you don't have to begin with a weekend away or a room full of people.

You can start with a conversation in the Frolo community. You can join a group chat about something you're interested in. You can try an online meetup from home, where quietly disappearing when you need to deal with bedtime is completely acceptable. Or you could meet another Frolo for coffee. Go for a walk. Take the kids to the park.

Small counts.

At a recent Frolo weekend in Brighton, one member shared some encouragement afterwards for anyone feeling nervous about going to their first meetup:

“We're all here to welcome you, because we were that person once too.”

It's worth remembering. Everyone who looks completely at home in a friendship group was new once.

You are allowed to be more than somebody's parent

Parenthood changes us. Single parenthood can change us again. There may be parts of your old life that you don't particularly want back. There may be things you've outgrown, new things you've discovered and ways you've changed that you're proud of.

Finding yourself isn't about trying to recreate the person you were five or ten years ago. It's simply about making a little room for the parts of you that aren't defined by what everybody else needs. That might mean rediscovering something you used to love. It might mean trying something completely new. It might just mean spending time with people who make you laugh and with whom you don't have to explain yourself.

And it doesn't need to happen all at once.

As Graham's story shows, a first conversation can become a group chat. A group chat can become a meetup. A meetup can become a friendship. And, years later, you might look around at the people who have become part of your life and wonder quite how you got there.

Sometimes finding your people can help you find yourself again too.

Ready to find your people? Join the Frolo community to connect with other single parents, join group chats and discover online and in-person meetups near you.

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